Lagring Chronicles: Minirva...the Engliserang Yaya

It was during my participation at the Philippine Fashion Week previous seasons ago when Lagrimas called me while I was in Manila.

"Sir, pasensya jud sir....kay mingtawag akong inahan sa kanunayng gitabang nga papa-ulion daw ko sa amoa bisan one week lang kuno Sir" Lagring said.

"Ngano diay Lagring, unsay nahitabo?" I question her in worried tone.

"Ay, sir uy, kasal man gud sa akong iyaan nga gikan sa Saudi, mao nga motambong ko sir....hangyo lang"

"Pero Lagrimas sa sunod adlaw pa ko maka uli kay show nako ugma, kinsa may mobantay sa akong anak?...musta na diay si Baste?"

" Oki ra man si Bantong sir....kusog na gani molakaw, dayon kusog pod mokaon ug moinom ug gatas. Ayaw lang ug kabalaka Sir, kay naa man koy kapuli kanang akong pag-umangkon sa akong pang-agawan nga parente pod namo sa among iyaan nga pag-umangkon usab sa......"

"Okey na Lagrimas...pun-an pa jud nimo ...ang sakit sa bangs niana.....basta promise me nga atimanon jud nyag maayo si Baste ha?"

I boarded a Cebu Pacific flight next day with tensions...I supposed to have an interview with my just finished fashion week collection and runway show, but I could not stay knowingly Lagring took a sudden vacation for a week.

Good morning Sir, my name is Minirva Patalinghog, just call me Nerv for short.....(wow ha, Nerv? or the nerve..? kalokah agad!...mmmmm)........

...And by the way Sir, kini mao akongCV:

(ansabee????? anodaw? ay unsa diay???)BIODATA ni INDAY

Work Experience:

3 years, Household Service Manager (kasambahay/household helper), Mr. & Mrs. Lugronio Paalisbo/Barangay Nipis,Tambasakan St.

Name: Maria Minirva Conchita Jane Barbie Cutie Constancia Dahilig Pac-an Patalinghog

Nickname: just call me Nerv...but never Inday
Age: 23
Parents: Mom & Dad
Siblings: Kingking, Makmak, Eboy

Educational Background

College: St. Claire College 2nd year (scholar ng bayan)
High School: Ak-ak High School (Valedictorian, Best in English)
Elementary: Santa Catalina Elementary School (Valedictorian, Best in Pole Dancing)

----mmmm...nalokah ako sa biodata ha....

"In accordance to the Labor Law of the Republic of the Philippines,
all services rendered should be given a fair and just compensation...

"In relation, it is mandated by law than an incentive be given
according to the length of his/her service in the said establishment
or in this residence."

Signed & attested and red ribonned:

Minirva

" Sure ka ba Me-nerve, este Minirva nga parente ka ni Lagrimas??? ug sure jud ka nga yaya imong gi applyan dili amo"(lol)

"Though I have nothing against your wisdom and philosophical
approaches, it seems that I see a certain clash between our
thoughts and your projected manners will result to clashes.
You seem to be flacid sometimes apropos the way you establish a persiflage, and honestly it gives ennui to my proposed work because people choose jobs for reasons...maybe it's humiliating leaving an impression of digression..but it is still a job," SIR!!!!

Na amang kog kadjut...kay i have this jet lag kuno....ahahahahaha...unya wa pa koy pamahaw oi.

I was caught in a quagmire (choz)....

"O sige na...dawat na ka inday Nerv....."

"Don't call me Inday Sir..the statute restricts my capacity to give  a good performance and calling me Inday will be a proximate cause of humiliation!"

ansabee???????

Si Lagring ug ang Beauty Contest

It was a frantic lazy afternoon without electricity, making me so uncomfortable, so I decided to move the bamboo bed to the backyard’s mango shade. I brought a made in Korea battery operated fan. The noise made me irritated from the plastic propeller.

Lagring….Lagring!!!!!!!!!

“Pagdala ragud ug paypay day kay perting iganga!” I said.

“Unsa nga pay- pay sir? Katong gikan sa Dubai? Gikan sa Pagadian, Ozamiz o katong from Bohol”she giggled.

Wow, misamot kaigang sa mga words na walang sense from Lagring.

“Kato nalang from Dubai’ I shouted, I imagined myself making pay-pay from one white peacock feathered fan I bought from the yearly Global Village event and sprayed with the latest Miss Dior perfume from Dubai Duty Free.

“Unsay color Sir? Penk? Green? Reed? O kani ganing daghang balhibo sa manok?” she retorted.

“Excuses Lagrimas, dili na sya from chicken!!! Hello, ako mopalit ug fan from himungaan???? Yay, peacock na Lagrimas!.I got irritated.

And she did bring the fan and shouted on the concrete stairs “ MISS CHINA…..!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ayay, Miss China sa imong kigol…she waved the fan in the air and strutted down in the garden below. I was thinking…haaaay, where did I go wrong with Lagrimas. I realized maybe watching cheap TV serials made her crazy? Or maybe by watching low grade beauty contest inspired her…..you know, from the barrios.

“Dia Sir, pero ako nalay paypay nimo bi, wala naman koy trabaho Sir” she made some carinyo to me.

Wow ha….

While I felt the pastilang pagkalimi bya sa hoyohoy dala sa mahalong paypay nga pi perpyuman ug Miss Dior……..

“Sir, naa unta koy ihaangyo nimo, kanang hing text akong inahan sa kanunay gitabang nga papaulion kuno ko sunod ugma Sir….. kay paapilon ko sa kapitan namo  sa beauty contest sa among barangay Purok Manggiloy-on, she requested in soft voice.

Unsa?????? Lagrimas?...sure ka?...pagsure oi…eh tinuod ka? Ahaahahahaha!! I mean I was caught between mybad and my so discriminating  reactions.

I looked and surveyed Lagrimas…after all these whitening lotions she used everyday, she is fairer so far and maybe pretty as if…..kung wala nay lain!

Lagring stands 5’4, well.... pag naka high heels ug 7 inches e di 6’1 na ang kagwang. Na smooth napod iyang legs, adah..... daghan bitaw ug Hazel Bishop ingod- ngod sa iyang bagtak. Bantog ra sige lang syag suot sa iyang pekpek shorts……

Hala sige Lagrimas apil anang inyong binuang, basta uli dayon inig human sa contest ha? I approved and consented.

“Kanang Sir ingon man to si Ma’am Bebe Enriquez nga naa daw IKO attire”..kana bang mugna gani gikan sa kinaiyahan?

“Unsa? Basin ug ECO attire….ecological attire from nature”

“Mao na Ser…..!tenk yo jud daan Ser.”

Unya asa na nato na paliton?....pila ka bulig nga saging kinahanglan nimo sa imong Yellow Banana attire? Ahahahaha!!! I imagined Lagring in full Banana…say, she will be Miss Banana Republic!!! Arghhhhh…any how kan-on nalang later ang saging noh?

“Nah…dili ko ganahan ana Ser, bugal-bugal, maulaw ta ana….mokorana raba si Kapitan Otik! Kato nalang akong nakit-an sa imong trunks gikan sa Dubai…kato bang abaca nga gown?.....”

Wow….ambisyosang Lagring.

Ang gusto pajud isuot ang akong couture nga gown made in abaca with Swarovski crystals!!!!

Para bang mag-ambisyon gani ka….iambisyon jud ang taas, wala bitaw bayad!

Maka daug kaha si Lagring?....unsay iyang iparang sa Miss Talent Portion?...unsay iyang gamiton nga country?...unya naa kahay swimsuit portion? Unya duna diay na syay swimsuit…..naa kahay mapalit nga two piece bikini sa ukay-ukay????

…abangan!!!!!!!!!!!

LAKEWOOD'S HIDDEN SECRET: ALINDAHAW RESORT

“Gud morning Sir!!!” Lagring blurted out as  the 4:am rooster heralded the exciting day on this very dry summer month. I love the early smell of the coffee flowers near the kitchen. The white clusters of aromatic scents  gave me that soothing effect on my day start.

Maayong buntag pod Lagrimas, I answered back. Unya ready na tanan atong  mga  gamit og balon?

“Ako na syang gi-arrange sa jeep sir..maluto na sad ang mga puso ug pwede na pod ka mamahaw apter 30 minutes Ser”.

 Lagring was so organized that day and gave me that boost on this picnic trip of ours going to the resort near Lakewood, they called it aptly ALINDAHAW RESORT which means a dragonfly in local Bisaya. The resort amenities can be compared to classy ones in Manila, except that this resort has one of the largest lake in Mindanao…and of course my son, Baste loves this place.

“Sir, katong inun-on tulingan nga nay tuno? Tilawi daw Sir kay akong gibutangan ug sili gabii aron medyo haling-halang. Ang budbud ingon si Inse Masing agion nalang daw nato sa ilang balay inig paingon nato sa Lake wood” Lagring said.

Mmm, si Masing, I remember her mga kanding nga sige nyag buhian sa akong  manggahan. One day, gahangos si Jojo nga misumbong sa akoa, “Tiyo ,Tiyo perteng daghana sa kanding nga nag breakfast sa manggahan, gipangkitkit nila ang mga punoan sa mga mangga!”

“Ha??? Tinood ka? Hala dal-a katong pusil ug pamusila kining mga tamhangan nga kanding! Pagdali  basin mawala nay panit ang mga mangga…burles mangoes na sila!” I said in stress.

Unsay pusil tiyo? Wala man tay pusil” he said.

“ Kabanga ba intawon nimo Loloy, kato bang pusil sa langgam gani nga gigamit ni Dong Pesyong ug Arsenio para mamusil gani silag mga bagwa, tukmo, punay ug katong akong mga palangga nga mga pungak?

Tiyo, dili man to makapatay ug kanding, baga ug mga panit na sila….dili pareho sa mga birds!

Jojo, Jojo, Jojo..asa man ka noong nagtapon ng katalinuhan ang Diyos? Por dos por dos!!!!!! Tulog ka pa ano? Kinsay gaingon patyon nimo ang mga kanding….? Hadloka lang sila noh…hala adto dayon sa manggahan!

After almost three hours Jojo appeared like having a stressful day. Tiyo nanagan man ang mga kanding sa silong sa balay..guhulat nako ug manggawas , wala jud.

I said to myself, mas bright ba ang mga kanding intawon. Hay…Panginoon tagai pa kog taas kaayong pasensya maluoy ka!

“Sir, ready na tanan ang atong mga balon ug tua na sa sakyanan sama sa usa ka kalderong nilung-ag kan-on, usa ka Tupperware nga adobong manok og yobabs, usa ka kalderong nilug-ag hinog nga saging, ginagmay, inon-unang tulingan, thermos init para sa kape ug gatas, usa ka galloon Crystal Clear Mineral Water, mga isda para sugbaon, mga saging tundan hinog, spaghetti, slice bread, pancit, pritong bulad, scrambled eggs, hotdogs ug pritong bangus plus sinanglag nga pasayan”Lagring proudly said.

Pagkadaghan bas sa dala Lagrimas, unsa man diay ni swimming o kumbira!!!!!!!!ahahahahaha!!! kaulaw oi.

I remember what one foreigner who asked me so blatantly that why Filipinos that go swimming are bringing lots of foods in the beach. I told her that is our culture, swimming is just an excuse for bonding, and eating is our way of life, I said to her.

“Look at me, I just brought one liter of water…enough!” she  said.

Adah…kasamok baning kanahan oi…mag buot diay sya? While I looked into her two piece bikini, ohmygawdness she had too much wrinkles in her neck, sa tyan ug sa legs that I thought the turkeys will be put into shame…kahinawayon jud ko no? pero tinood man sad, nanghilabot man pod sya sa mga Pinoy,tse kalang!

Baste ang his friends after light breakfast jumped into the car and were into jacket kay kadlawon pa lage mi nanglarga aron dili init ug mag breakfast mi somewhere after taking a left turn sa Dumalinao.

The picnic went so smooth and I enjoyed the scenery, I had been to St. Tropez in France, the famous nude beach in the French Riviera, pero lahi jud ang Pinas, lami paminawon ang mga katawa sa mga bata while they enjoyed splashing in  little pools made for kids. Baste eat less and so the other children, they love to swim and he ordered me to buy some orange juice which I obliged. Knowingly that aside organizing this event ako pa jud ang ilang bangko central.

The oldies gathered on the pavilion and never went swimming including me. We eat breakfast and later lunch. Some strolled the area, while me was looking and making bantay to Baste though Lagring was there too in her usual pekpek shorts.

Some went kayaking on the lake and some enjoyed the zipline across the tranquil lake.

The children stopped at three ug nangasuko pa jud. Baste keep on bagutbot, ingon ko hala sige ugma adto napod ta swimming sa Tabina….while all the oldies nga wala magswimming ang uban hubog pero I can see the joy and happiness on our picnic in Alindahaw resort.

for more info and reservations: hit Alindahaw Lakewood Resort /Biswangan/Lakewood/Zamboanda del Sur

photo credits: BERNARD AGULO

Saging Nilung-ag, Ginamos & Pekpek Shorts

I was taking an afternoon nap on a bamboo bed at my nipa pavillion near the main house when I heard a strange sound as if coming out from the deep, say, para bang gikan sa sementeryo gani, kay ga-agulo, murag kalag nga wa mahimutang. She was screaming in sharp voice like Aray...aray nako , araaaaay.....

It bothered me a lot, unta kung nindot unta iyang voice, okey ra....pero por dyos, por dos por dos, chaka jud sa akong mga ears. Nawaaah  bigla ang akong pagka-katolgon, gibati kog kangil-ad, gihilasan ko sa akong nadunggan.

"Lagring...lagring!!!!!!!!!!! day duol ra god dere!" I called.
"Angkol, (wow, ha, sounds like french to me, arghhhh!) wala sa balay si aAti Lagring...tua sa videokihan! says Bering, our neighbor's 8 year old girl. "Adtoa ragod ging palihog" I said.

As I expected, hing kalit lang ug butho sa akong atubangan ang usa ka ghostly figure..kana bang murag kalag, alam ko na, way lain si Lagrimas...gabutang na sad ug Tsing- Tsang- Tso sa udtong tutok....with matching iyang nag-inusarang "PEKPEK SHORT".

"Day Lagring...diay piso, adtoa ra god tong gakanta sa videokehan, katong gakanta ug Aray...ihatag ning piso o, kay dili ko katulog sa iyang pwera gabang tingog ha, bitbita sad ning dos pordos, hala hadloka kini aron moundang." I commanded her.

"O anong nyare...ansabee??? nganong mura kag kandila diha? adtoa na ba!!!

Ser, bugal-bugalon kaayo ka....ako man tong gakantag Aray Ser, nindot kaayo akong bersyon noh? talo pa tong original singer!!!!!!!!

I was left in a trance...mura kog gikan sa delivery room, kana ganing naay nanganak unya gasyagit ug Aray...Aray!!!! ang mabdos, sus noh sa akong mind, merese...merese ka Day, aray-aray ka sa imong bangag...tinoyuan na nimo ha.

It was a nonesense moments with Lagring, of course, she has all the freedom to release all the pollution of her vocal chords, thy kingdom come. Now it's either evaporate to Timbuktu or ignore the local Diva who has all the rights to show off...total akong bana-bana sya jud naka hurot sa tig singko nako sa altar.

Okey, hala pagtak-ang kay mag meryenda tag nilung-ag saging unya palit ug ginamos malos didto sa merkado..ilang ka Bangladish.

While Lagring was busy in the kitchen, mi balik kog katulog oi......

Ser, luto na saging ug ako napod napanitan, Lagring said.
Lagring ngano man nga uyap man kining imong gipalit? ingon ko nimo baya nga ginamosssss???..Yay...the nerve to change my favorite.

"Ser maot tan-awon ang ginamos...itomon, unya ang uyap ganahan ko sa color, penk!!!!!!!!! Lagrimas retorted.

  Yay, I thought, pati ba naman color pinakialaman? hmmmp, sapoton ko, as if dili pod sya tagabukid....di ka ila ug ginamos!

I felt that eating the mga baby pa nga shrimps is an outright cruelty to the bill of rights sa mga seafoods, diba? baby shrimps can't reach adulthood...

Anyhow I ended up eating saging with brown sugar, lol.

The next morning I went some shopping at my favorite Robinson's at C3 Pgadian, stuffs for the week, and I thought buying something for Lagring. She is a good and so crazy yaya and her coming out is a good sign to me. Nawala na ang iyang kamaulawon, baga nag face...mokanta jud bisan yabag ug tingog.

The Santa Lucia thrift shops seems a large community of sinampay, hundreds of faded and worn out clothing made an eye sore to me, almost glary to the society-ness, ahahahahahahaaha.

I saw several pekpek shorts na tiyak magustuhan ni Lagrimas....white, jeans color at pink of course!

When she saw them, she jumped with joy...ambot why, ukay- ukay ra na ha, pero wala nako gi ingon, basin iuli nya sa akoa. What matters Lagring is always polite, and thanked me for the gesture.

So ayon every afternoon ga ngaw-ngaw ang ungo sa videokehan, dili jud ko katulog...anyway duol na ang kwaresma...penetensya ko ug advance.

THE DRAGONS OF MONTANA FUENTES

ECO LIFESTYLE, COUNTRY LIVING..... 

Do you know that the local dragon-the monitor lizard we know  locally as HALO, eats only fruits? not even insects, rodent or bird finds its way to its stomach...it eats mostly fruits..

I knew that a bunch or a brigade of this HALO and IBID (gray monitor lizards) live deep inside the tree plantation of my farm. The farm has two rivers that joined together like a "Y" shape down on the barrio road that cut a little on my mahogany and gemelina trees. With a certain degree of rugged terrain and suitable habitat, surely these  dragons undisturbed, breed and live  happily ...

UNTIL ONE DAY............................ 

"Lagriiiinggggg...!!!! pagdali Day, ug pangitag ihampak nimo, kay naay dakong HALO nga hingkat-kat sa lube!!!! pagdali, kay basin ug unhan ta ug kopras sa kanahan..!!!!!!!! I shouted at my house helper when all of the sudden I saw a yellowish figure slowly climbing to one of the coconut trees in the garden.

I remembered the last month's copra harvest, when I supposed to start harvesting coconuts for copra in my farm...the price was high then. Early in the morning I went to the farm and was so shocked that some local kawatan were already there last night in darkness and took all the coconuts!!! they even make LUGIT in the tree grounds." Mga animal na mga kawatan...grabee jud, kung makita-an jud mo nako ...aaa maluthangan jud mo!!! mga way batasan!!..I said to myself dismayed and sad upon looking the remains of the thieves.

I never thought about the dragon's need that time...I thought nature and man were trespassing my property. My compassion about the food chain was out in my logic. It was a fightback in my oppressed living against aggressors. And it just happened when a slimey soft noiseless predator(was it the HALO or me?) confronted me.

" Lagrimas, naunsa man ka....nganong salingsing mana imong dala? pangitag dos por dos aron matablawan kanang mambad...animal!!!!!...hello! mangopras ka????? katilaw jud kag hampak. Bokboka ang punoan Lagring aron mokanaog kanang halo!!!!", I was so excited on giving her instructions.

" Hala, pangitag bato ug labaya kana sya...dali.....! Sir. lisod man targeton ang halo... wow..kabanga ba nimo , concentreyt ba, pataka lang pod kag labay!!!!!!....ug sa dihang naigo ang halo sa iyang bato.

The dragon was hit on his stomach and suddenly decided not to continue his buko salad eating session..arggghhhh....
I saw him let off and made a free-fall gymnastic style  NADIA COMANECI FALL ON THE BAR.....!!!!

"WAAAAAHHHHH.... Lagriiiiiing...nahulog ang halo hampaka dayon ug DOS POR DOS porsanto....ang kuneho, por dos, este por dyos por santo, santa barbara, santa catalina santa inez...nakaka inis...bweset na Lagring...pagkaaaatalawan , midagan ug kusog milayat sa koral sa Montana , murag mapilde jud si Sulaiman, katong questionable ang gender nga runner sa national MEET!!!!.

In a split of a second Lagring was gone......
The dragon's  free- fall acrobatic made a strong impression, but......nalipong ug nakuyapan jud hinoon ang halo ug mga 5 minutes(hahahahahahah!!!). Ikaw daw mahulog sa taas nga lube...kuyapan jud ka di ba?...............


I was dumbed and awed by the bad directorial debut of my film- ang KWANGGOL NA LAGRING VS. THE HALO. WHAT HAPPENED NOW?...Yay, I thought the halo will die, and me leaving guilty about the situation....ah ok, me and my so selfish being....konsensya to the max....parang the HALO JUST WANTED HIS FRESH BUKO MERIENDA LANG NAMAN.

And miracle happened...ay buhay diay sya....Lagriiiimas.....asa naman ka pagdali kwanggol kay buhi pa ang buko salad loveeer....! JUICE  ko naman Lagring nganong talawan man ka..and my gawd!!!! nganong gatago man ka sa gumamela tree..........hello!!!!!!!!!!

What to do then, a bad situation and a bad cast of characters....a  HALO and Lagring...plus me the director.

Nature and Man. ...a fight for survival INSTINCT- both working between them...........NO WINNER.